Latexed Lugia Part One

Dr. Killjoy: Before we start riffing, I‘ll note all of the text colors and what they mean: My comments are in brick red, Zelda407’s are in forest green, “neutral” comments (which don’t represent one of us specifically) are plain black, and excerpts from the original story are bolded black.

Subject: “Latexed Lugia”
Fandom: Pokemon
Author: shadowlugia249
Summary: “A Balloon Lugia TF. A Lugia fanatic buys a very real balloon that looks suspiciously like Lugia. But when it starts eating straight out of his hand, he realizes that he might be in over his head…”

Let's start off with a few ratings on just how painful this fic was.

Dr. Killjoy’s ratings:
Fail at Logic Score: 8/10 (Logical problems throughout, but…the ending…the goddamned ending….)
Grammar Error Score: 2/10 (The grammar was actually quite good, with a few exceptions. This is the only time you’ll ever see me say “quite good” in relation to this fic.)
Nightmare Fuel Score: 7/10 (For everyone but TF fetishists.)
Overall Badness Score: 7/10 (Not an average. Good grammar isn’t enough to save this abomination.)

Zelda407’s ratings:

Fail at Logic Score: 8/10 (…You’ll see why…trust me.)
Grammar Error Score: 1/10 (Not too many mistakes, so while the concept is idiotic, at least it’s grammatically correct)
Nightmare Fuel Score: 6/10 (While the thought of this whole fic is really like an 7-8/10, once you read a fic such as “Naga Eyes“, it doesn’t seem as scary)
Overall Badness Score: 7/10 (Because srsly, grammar means nothing if your fic is as idiotic as this)

And here we start off this blog with a transformation (TF) fic. I despise TF fics in general. First because 90% of the time, they’re some sad, pathetic person’s wish fulfillment, and as such should have been kept to themselves. Second because they almost always spoil their own endings by advertising that they’re TF fics in the damned summary. The good thing about that, though, is that means you can mentally file it under “dumbass” the minute you see the words TF. The third is that they’re all so horribly formulaic: despite doing everything under his (and it’s almost always a man) power to escape being transformed, the main character invariably decides that being stuck in a body completely alien to him and being forced to abandon his old life and old friends is actually a good thing.

This fic, though, is a special kind of suck. Consider: This was written because somewhere, for whatever reason, some guy actually thought “Man, life would be so much better if I was a Pokemon balloon.” There isn’t a doubt in my mind, either - the way this is written, especially the ending, makes it painfully obvious that the author would actually want this to happen to him. Furthermore, he decided to be an ass and post this whole thing as one giant chapter, meaning there’s no frame of reference for when to end a session. I guess we’ll just stop when we‘ve had enough.

I can’t really say much more now without spoiling it or using jokes that I plan to put in my riffing later, so I’ll let Zelda407 have his say and then we’ll get on with it.

Really, I have only read bits and pieces of this fic, but from what I have seen, it’s abysmal. The main character slips up in so many ways, and eventually screws himself over, but I'll leave it to the fic to do the talking.

Well, time to get on with it. I’ve set up a little storyline that involves me and Zelda407 as two guys working for an MSTing organization. I won’t let that story get in the way too much. It’s just there so that we can riff on this fic as if we’d never seen it before, which will allow for better comments. And so we present:

The Badfic Files: Episode 1 (Latexed Lugia: part one)

(The episode opens in a small, darkened movie theater that contains only a projector and two seats. Two figures enter the theater from an entrance in the back of the theater. One, Zelda407, immediately sits in the seat to the right. The other, Dr. Killjoy, pushes a button on the side of the projector and it comes to life. He then takes the seat to the left as the fic begins to play on the screen….)

Latexed Lugia
By shadowlugia249

Dr. Killjoy: Well, I can tell from the name that it’s a Pokemon fic…and speaking of the name…-Latexed- Lugia? Is this about Lugia being involved in a horrible industrial accident at a rubber glove factory?
Zelda407: Quite possibly...or its parents have horrible naming abilities.
Dr. Killjoy: Judging by his username, the author certainly does.

Author's Note: I've been brooding over this idea for some time and I've finally decided to follow through with it. This might be a strange idea for Lugia, but he was the only one that I could think of that would make sense. I don't want to hear anything about Lugia being used inappropriately.

Zelda407: You? Using Lugia inappropriately? Never, especially if you named it "Latexed".

In the world of fan fiction, anything goes.

Dr. Killjoy: I’ve seen authors write that before, and it’s never been followed by anything good. I’m already wishing I wasn’t too young to drink.

Enjoy anyway!

Zelda407: If it got sent to us here, I think the last thing we're gonna do is enjoy this...

(This story takes place shortly after the events of the first “Fit for a God”.)

Zelda407: ..Oh gawd...there was a PREQUEL!
Dr. Killjoy: Well, yeah. We need a little insight into Lugia’s life before he tragically gets turned into latex or whatever.

In the hidden shop of Aridos' Magical Medleys, an aged old man,

Dr. Killjoy: “Aged old man”? Does he work in the Department of Redundancy Department?

Karmen Aridos, was browsing through his wares. He had just rebuilt his prized costume shop after a little misunderstanding with one of his previous customers. He should have probably informed Silver about the costume's full potential

Zelda407: Go, go, Power Rangers!

before he had sold him the costume in the first place.

Dr. Killjoy: Let the buyer beware…and the seller too, apparently.

But now that Silver was back with his father, he could reopen and go on with business like normal.

Dr. Killjoy: Hey, if you’re selling stuff that can blow up buildings, I’m game.

While he was cleaning up, Aridos stumbled across something that he didn't even know was in his stockade.

Dr. Killjoy: Wait. A “stockade” is “a defensive barrier consisting of strong posts or timbers fixed upright in the ground”. I can’t be sure, but I think building one of those in the middle of a city would violate zoning regulations.
Zelda407: No wonder his shop always blows up. It’s made of wooden posts.

There was a small, dusty, unopened plastic bag buried in the corner where the Lugia costume had once been. It looked like it was one of those bags that contained ordinary party balloons and was even decorated with sliver and blue.

Zelda407: Party balloons? What's a shop selling exploding costumes doing with party balloons?

Aridos picked up the bag and examined it. There was a small, silver Post-It note attached to it covered in old, ancient runes in blue ink. No normal person would have been able to decipher the runes, but Aridos had studied plenty of this language when he was in training.

Dr. Killjoy: “Let’s see, it says, ‘Karmen…Aridos…is…a…’ HEY!”

“’To Mr. Aridos,’“ he read in a grumble. “’Thank you for all you've done for us. Here is a treat for you to sell to an adoring fan. Best wishes…’ Huh. ‘Lugia, Silver and Siron.’ Well, wasn't that nice of them? Let's just see what we've got here...”

Zelda407: Could it be? No...there is no way it could...that’s impossible…it’s...it’s...A BALLOON?!?! Lieees!

Aridos muttered under his breath to slit open the bag magically.

Dr. Killjoy: Lazy-ass.

He then withdrew a long, shriveled rubber item from the bag.

Dr. Killjoy: I’m not even gonna touch that one.

It looked like a dried-up silver nylon, but he knew it was much more than that. It looked more like a balloon, but he had a feeling that he shouldn't blow into it with his breath. And a look at a warning label on the package confirmed it.

Zelda407: What good is a balloon if it has to stay deflated all the time?
Dr. Killjoy: Warning: This is a balloon, something that is by definition designed to be inflated. Whatever you do, don’t inflate it.

So, instead, he took the balloon to his back room and retrieved a small tank of compressed air.

Dr. Killjoy: Oh.

Sticking it in the nozzle, he pushed the air into the balloon and soon, it began to take shape.

Zelda407: He stuck the balloon in the nozzle? and then used magic to push the air…He must be some kind of genie!
Dr. Killjoy: Speaking of genies, I sure wish this plot would hurry up and get somewhere.

When it was fully inflated, Aridos gave a rare smile and nodded his head. “Oh, yes. Someone special is really going to like you. Let's just get you packed back up and get you back on the shelves.”

Without another word, he deflated the balloon and went back to repackage the item in its bag.

With a simple spell, he resealed the bag as if it had never been touched. He then made to put it back on the shelf but paused, thinking.

Dr. Killjoy: “Hmmm, maybe I should use gunpowder instead of nitroglycerin this time so it doesn’t explode until it’s out of my shop.”

“You know... I don't think they're going to know what you look like without some kind of visual aid. Let's just see what we can do...”

Dr. Killjoy: It would help if you’d give the readers a visual aid. You know, since you never actually told us what the balloon looks like.

My name is Rye Amaldo

Dr. Killjoy: Holy abrupt scene shift, Batman! I mean, there wasn’t even a line break!
Zelda407: Rye? I said I wanted wheat bread!
Dr. Killjoy: Wait a minute, you’re right - this guy is named after a kind of bread! More of those horrible naming abilities, I suppose. He's like some sorta...Breadman, or something.

Now don't get me wrong – I had every intention of finishing college and becoming a computer specialist, but at the moment, I was financially challenged

Dr. Killjoy: Not to mention mentally challenged!

and could not afford to go back right now. Right now, I had a simple two-bit job cleaning up at the local Wendy's, but it was enough to make a living. But despite my situation, I was as bored as heck. I had watched my movies for the umpteenth time and watch almost nothing but reruns on my local-connection TV. And despite me having a computer, I did not have enough funds to have the Internet, so my choice of activities was somewhat limited at the moment.

Zelda407: Breadman! You don't have to blow up a stockade to be happy! There are these magical places called libraries, and they have free internets. They also have books, and other things you can do! Don't do it, Breadman!

But even though I did not have much access to the media world, there was still one thing I enjoyed like nothing else – Pokémon.

Dr. Killjoy: You still like Pokeyman?

With my limited funds, I managed to purchase enough reading material about Pokémon that I could work with. True, I never played any of the games, but I used to be hooked on the TV series. But ever since Pokémon moved from Kids WB! to Cartoon Network, I have been severely limited as to what I can do to keep up to date with them.

Zelda407: Again, this library place sometimes has videos of pokemans you could watch. You don't need to blow up this poor, aged old man's building! He's already suffered through one explosion!

Despite that, I've managed to get my fair share of the episodes before it went off the air. I would normally only have enough time in my schedule to watch them on Saturday mornings, but that was all I needed. The newest episodes would always be on Saturdays and I would watch my heart out every opportunity that I got.

Dr. Killjoy: You’re old enough to be a goddamned college dropout…yet you can’t wait to get up on Saturday morning and watch cartoons?
Zelda407: Look, being a college dropout who sweeps up the local Wendy's is harder than it sounds, Killjoy. I mean, they are open till 1 am or later!

You may ask, “What kind of Pokémon would a 20-year-old single man like out of all of the many that were out there?”, right?

Zelda407: Actually, I was going to ask what kind of 20 year old...oh right, single.

No? Well, I'll tell you anyway.

Dr. Killjoy: Bastard.

It was Lugia.

Zelda407: Oh, that’s nice. Now stop the lame character development and get to the blowing up the shop-ness...er, I mean, the library, yeah.

Lugia, to me, is like the very reincarnation of God. When I first saw him in the Orange Islands, I instantly fell for him.

Dr. Killjoy: “Instantly fell for”…nice word choice there. Leaves me with a wonderfully painful mental image.
Zelda407: Great, There goes my happy image of Breadman falling out of a plane and splattering on top of Lugia, and I now most likely have the same image you're thinking of.
Dr. Killjoy: Damn, sorry. But all the same, it wouldn't be an MSTing without painful mental images.

He has such an impressive form, looking like some great silver bird of destiny. His powers over water and the weather make him one of the most powerful Pokémon in existence, stopped by probably Dialga or Palkia of the fourth generation. I don't know much more about him other than he is a very intelligent Psychic type and that he hides in the ocean to contain his massive strength.

Dr. Killjoy: Really, that’s just about all there is to know about him.
Zelda407: So he's like...a giant flying fish-bird? So that’s where Bowser gets those lava jumping fish!

Ever since I saw him, I have been longing for the day that I would meet him. Even though Pokémon weren't real, that would never stop me from being faithful in his existence. I just wish I had something to prove that he was “real” other than a gamer's intuition.

Zelda407: Wait. "Being faithful in his existence"? Do I smell the foundations for a Lugia cult here?
Dr. Killjoy: I’d join, but I’m already a devout follower of Cthulhu.

But all that was thrown for a loop when I was reading through the paper after getting home from my job on Friday night. I wasn't really looking for anything in particular, so you could imagine my amazement when I saw an ad for a magic shop in the classifieds.

It was for a costume shop that had been suspiciously destroyed last Halloween by an unknown attacker. I didn't even know that it had been rebuilt. I hadn't been able to see the place's wares before it was destroyed, so I was curious to see what it had this time.

Zelda407: Wait, wait, wait. What was the purpose of talking about an ad for a magic shop, then going off on some tangent about a costume shop. No wonder you failed college.
Dr. Killjoy: Hey now, no need to be so hard on him! Clearly, it’s a shop that sells magic costumes. And by “magic”, I mean “explosive”. And balloons.

The ad was advertising a sale on special items that I didn't know existed at a costume shop. There was a giant plushie of some large creamy-yellow winged beast-kind-of-thing... nah... I didn't play with toys.

Dr. Killjoy: Right, you're just in love with Pokemon. That's way better.

There was a small, silver orb atop a dragon-shaped pedestal... Not quite. I was never one for jewelry. Also, there was a ring claiming to grant the powers of a dragon to its wearer... please... Like I believe in that kind of mumbo-jumbo.

Zelda407: So wait, he claims that he doesn’t play with toys, nor does he believe that rings can have magical powers, but he believes that Pokemans are real?

But then I saw a picture containing a large, bird-shaped creature that I immediately recognized as...

Dr. Killjoy: Big Bird?

“Lugia...?”

It was, but there was something different about this one. The ad was in pretty good detail, but I still wondered why Lugia would be slightly see-through.

Dr. Killjoy: “Wow, Lugia. I’ve heard of vitamin deficiency, but this is ridiculous.”

He looked much shinier than normal and you could see straight through it. If I didn't know better, I would have said it was a...

Zelda407: Ghost? Zombie? A hallucination caused by whatever you’re smoking?

I had to see this for myself. I wrote down the name and address of the shop and went to grab my savings

Dr. Killjoy: Savings? You work at Wendy’s and you actually have money to spare? Scrooge has nothing on you.

before I headed out for a little bicycle trip. If someone was selling a Lugia item like that, I didn't care what it was made of – I wanted it!

The shop – also known as “Aridos' Magical Medleys” – was sitting in the middle of a parking lot like it had been before it had been destroyed.

Dr. Killjoy: It was in the middle of a parking lot? Forget explosions, this place should’ve been destroyed long ago by all the cars hitting it.
Zelda407: Well, it is one of those sturdy stockades. No car could penetrate its massive wooden fence posts of doom!

Although, it looked like a crackhouse for some reason.

Zelda407: It looked like a crack house? And it’s selling Pokemon toys? Sounds about right...

The front was painted completely black and there were no windows on it or even a sign. All there was was a single door with a railing on a small sidewalk on the side of the building.

Dr. Killjoy: Don’t you think you should take that as a sign to get the hell outta there?

Feeling curious, I tried to open the door.

Dr. Killjoy: Apparently not.

Locked.

Zelda407: Could it be a sign?

That was weird. The sign on the other side of the door said it was open, so why would it be locked? I was spared the trouble of figuring it out when a voice seemed to come out of nowhere.

Zelda407: Oh noes! It’s the Lugia cult! Run, Breadman, ruuunnn!
Dr. Killjoy: Knowing this guy, he’d probably sign up to join.

“May I help you?”

I looked around for the speaker, but I didn't find a thing. The owner could obviously see me, so I answered back.

“I'm here to do some shopping. I hear you have a sale going on.”

“Are you over 18?”

Dr. Killjoy: So apparently, this shop sells -that- kind of balloon.

“Beg pardon?” I had never been asked this to get into a store.

“No one under 18 is allowed in here. Are you over 18?”

Dr. Killjoy: So if you’re not allowed in if you’re under 18, but you are allowed in if you’re over 18, what happens if you’re exactly 18?
Zelda407: So it’s a shop that sells pokemon toys, but you've gotta be 18 or older? I bet they're really popular.
Dr. Killjoy: Clearly, you underestimate the purchasing power of the neurotic loser demographic.

“Uh... I'm 20, sir.”

There was a long pause on the other end. He seemed to be looking through his camera at me. It was a while before I heard him answer and unlock the door electronically.

“Very well. Come on in. Welcome to Aridos' Magical Medleys.”

Dr. Killjoy: That’s it? He doesn’t have to show an ID or anything? Good thing this guy doesn’t run a liquor store.
Zelda407: Maybe he WAS looking for someone under 18...wait...eww.
Dr. Killjoy: “Eww” doesn’t even begin to describe the thought.

He sounded less than enthusiastic about welcoming me in,

Dr. Killjoy: Well yeah, he’s a salesman. It’s not like he needs customers to stay in business or anything.

but I pulled open the door and walked in anyway.

The inside of the shop seemed to match the exterior of the building. It was dark and sinister, but it had a feeling of comfort in it that no amount of darkness could produce.

Dr. Killjoy: I’m trying to picture the atmosphere he’s trying to set up, but it’s like some kind of Zen riddle. How can it be both sinister and comforting?

The store was dimly lit by small, glowing candles sitting on the centers of the costume racks.

Zelda407: Candles in an explosive stockade? That really explains a lot.

Speaking of costumes, there were no shortage of costumes here, but that's not what I came for.

Dr. Killjoy: Then tell me; why did you bother mentioning them?

I took a look around the dark room and spotted what I was looking for. There was a small set of shelves off to the left that held various items up for sale. I made a beeline for it and examined its wares.

Dr. Killjoy: Oh, hell no...this is looking like Merlin’s Shop of Mystical Wonders all over again.

There were a number of items sitting on the shelf marked “Clearance – Everything Must Go!” and I took the time to examine a few of them. Sure enough, there was a large, creamy-yellow furry winged beast plush sitting on the floor,

Dr. Killjoy: See? I was right! It -was- Big Bird!

looking up at me with cute baby-blue eyes. The tag on it read: “Flammie – Seryn. A cute addition to any child's fantasy!”

Dr. Killjoy: Okay, so I was wrong. Sue me.
Zelda407: Their FINAL fantasy, maybe.
Dr. Killjoy: Before you die, you see the flammie.

On the bottom of the two shelves was a shirt on a hanger that looked like it was made of liquid metal. I felt it and I was sure that the material was not a regular kind of fabric. It felt like I was touching cold, liquid metal.

Dr. Killjoy: Apparently, the shirt’s made of mercury.

That wasn't what I was looking for, but I still liked it.

There was also a large golden ring that you could grasp like a handle that had a large green gem burnished into it. It read: “Dream Traveler's Ring – Dream World Manipulation Included!”

Dr. Killjoy: It was later bought by a young, quiet girl named Madotsuki, but that’s another story.

I highly doubted that, but it was something I found rather nice to look at.

Finally, I found a small, plastic bag sitting on the top shelf with a familiar picture on it. I picked it up and examined it. It had the Pokémon logo on it, but there was also a second symbol that looked like a star with its points detached. Huh.

Dr. Killjoy: It’s the insignia of the cult of Lugia! I knew it existed!
Zelda407: I wonder if they're going to try to paint the world silver....

The package read as thus:

Pokémon Brand Life Balloons – Lugia

Contents: 1 life-sized balloon

Just add air. Power and Beauty Divine!

Dr. Killjoy: Okay, "beauty" I could sorta understand him trying to claim. But "power"? It's a goddamned balloon.
Zelda407: Hey! What happened to that "Do not inflate by using mouth" warning?
Dr. Killjoy: Maybe Karmen took it off so he could laugh his ass off when the buyer tries to inflate it that way.

But the contents inside looked less than appealing. It looked like a deflated rubber glove colored silver and blue.

Dr. Killjoy: Holy crap, I was just kidding about the industrial accident.

And since the bag was no bigger than a regular bag of party balloons, I highly doubted that it could get as big as it said. I was anxious to buy it, but I was one of those people who needed proof before I bought it.

Dr. Killjoy: Given what we know so far about this guy, there’s no way he could show that much common sense.

“Can I help you?”

I nearly jumped out of my skin! The package fell to the floor with a plop. When I finally got the sense to look around, I saw an aged, decrepit old man

Zelda407: Redundancy man strikes again!

standing behind me, hunched over with his arms behind his back.

The old man seemed positively ancient,

Dr. Killjoy: As with many men his age, he is suffering from Chronic Redundancy Syndrome.

from the wisps of white hair on the sides of his bald head to the number of wrinkles on his skin that looked worse than a bag of raisins. He wore a simple white shirt and was hunched over with age. He didn't even make it up to my shoulders even if he was standing straight up.

Dr. Killjoy: It was almost as if he was some author’s clichéd image of a wizard.

But one look at his eyes threw his true age into question. I could see two fierce, emerald-green eyes looking back at me with a youth that I had never seen before. Huh.

Zelda407: His eyes had a youth in them? maybe this is a crack house...

“Please don't do that,” I said, trying to get my blood pressure under control.

Zelda407: You’re 20 and are already having blood pressure problems? Your chances are getting slimmer by the second, Breadman!

The old man frowned and pointed to the balloon bag I had dropped. “Please don't manhandle my merchandise, even if it is on clearance.”

I wanted to tell him that he was the one who nearly manhandled me,

Dr. Killjoy: Good thing this isn't being MSTed by Beavis and Butthead.
Zelda407: By walking up behind you? You're scared very easily, aren't you Breadman?
Dr. Killjoy. Yeah, don’t be such a wimp. He’s an old man and you’re, what, a head taller than him?

but I didn't want to give this old man any reason not to sell it to me. I quickly bent over and picked up the bag before setting it back on the shelf.

“I was just looking at it,” I said quickly, faking interest in the other items.

Dr. Killjoy: Grow a spine, Breadman.

But he didn't buy it. “No one comes in here to just look. But you can start out that way. Let me know if you need anything.”

Dr. Killjoy: No one comes here just to - but they start - but aren’t they the same - what the hell?
Zelda407: Maybe that's why he locked the door. You have to buy your freedom.

He grumbled to himself

Dr. Killjoy: “Why, when I was your age…”

and started to walk away.

I was sure this old man was not all up there in the head,

Dr. Killjoy: And yet you’re still willingly standing there and talking to them. You have all the survival instinct of a low-budget horror movie extra.

but he did say to ask him, so I couldn't pass that up. I grabbed the bag again and held it out.

Dr. Killjoy: “Hey! If you’re gonna be sick, do it in this!”

“I know these are on clearance, but you wouldn't happen to have a spare one of these that I could see fully inflated, do you?”

Zelda407: Why not ask him if he could inflate that one? After all, you said you had to have it.

The old man turned his head and gave me a look and then looked at the package. With a frown, he shrugged and said, “I might. But it might not be at its full size. Do you still want to see it?”

Dr. Killjoy: So, let’s review the facts. This buy is selling a balloon and claiming that it can inflate to an impossibly large size. He then says he has a display balloon, which “might not be at its full size”. Looks like Breadman’s gonna get ripped off.

I nodded. The fact that he still had a spare for display made my heart race.

Zelda407: Why would him having a spare make your heart race? Unless you feel that you can dwindle away even more of your limited savings.
Dr. Killjoy: No wonder this guy went broke and couldn’t get through college.

The old man turned back toward the counter and shuffled off with me following behind.

Dr. Killjoy: As opposed to what, following ahead? Looks like Chronic Redundancy Syndrome is contagious.

When we reached the counter, he pointed to the floor and grunted, “Stay here. I'll be right back.”

I stayed. I tried to move, but my feet seemed to be frozen to the floor.

Zelda407 (Mortal Kombat voice): Look! Its Sub-Zero!

I waited quite a while in silence while the old man did who-knows-what in that back room.

Dr. Killjoy: I’ll bet you know what he’s doing, and just don’t wanna - GAH! That’s it. I have got to get my mind out of the gutter, now.

Finally, I heard a slight squeaking and a familiar grumble as the door to the back room reopened. The old man was carrying a small, figure-shaped balloon

Dr. Killjoy: A figure-shaped balloon? What the hell does that even mean?
Zelda407: It's simple! It’s a balloon shaped like a figure skater! And you call yourself a doctor?
Dr. Killjoy: If I was really a doctor, you can bet I would’ve recommended the author see a psychiatrist by now.

on a string and tied it to the counter. This time, it was my turn to frown.

“Is that it? I thought it was supposed to be life-sized.” The Lugia balloon had every feature he was supposed to except for two problems. It was only the size of a regular party balloon and where it was supposed to be navy blue, it was a crimson-red.

Zelda407: Okay, so from my past experiences with reading these stories, when something is different color wise, and the color difference is red. It means run, so...RUN, BREADMAN, RUN!
Dr. Killjoy: Hey! There ain’t nothing wrong with red!

“It is, but this one is only a prototype. If you want, I can show you how to make it bigger.”

Dr. Killjoy: Wait, wait, wait. Is this story implying that Breadman here doesn’t know how to blow up a balloon?

I shrugged and watched as the old man took a small can of compressed air with a long, thin, red straw on the end and stuck it in the balloon's mouth. Pressing the button down, he pumped air into the balloon.

Zelda407: Adding air to a balloon to make it bigger? That’s insanity! Blasphemy! Idiocy! Some other word ending in ‘y‘! How is such a thing possible!?

Even though it was just a small stream of air, the Lugia-balloon grew like a weed. Within a few seconds, it was more than double in size. And within a minute, it was as big as me! I had to back up from the sudden growth spurt of the balloon. But even though it was being inflated, the detail of it hadn't stretched out like you would expect with a balloon. The scale of its wings, tail, neck and whatnot were the same as they were before without a single bulge where it shouldn't be, albeit much bigger.”

Dr. Killjoy: This should clue you in that something is not right about this place and that you should get the hell away as soon as possible. But then, it probably won’t - you ignored all the other signs.
Zelda407: Why would he? I mean it’s not like the balloon is alive or anything...
Dr. Killjoy: Actually, now that I think about it, the fic’s title is beginning to make sense. I mean, it’s obvious Lugia is the…no. No way. The author wouldn’t go there - would he?
Zelda407: Considering that this came from fanfiction.net, it’s definitely likely.....

Before I could ask, the old man held up his hand and shook his head. “I know what you're thinking. This model's size can be reduced without even popping it. Watch!”

Dr. Killjoy: It’s a little technique called “Popping open the plug and slowly releasing the air until it‘s the size you want it”.

I expected him to reach down somewhere unknown and unload all the air (curse my dirty thoughts),

Dr. Killjoy: For the first time since this fic’s started, I’m beginning to identify with the main character!

but he simply reached into its mouth and pressed down on its “tongue”, allowing some of the air inside of it to be let out. Soon, he had to cut down to a single finger when the balloon returned to its original size. Once he depressed his finger on the flap, the balloon returned to its same neutral buoyancy.

Dr. Killjoy: He knows what neutral buoyancy is, yet the old guy had to show him how to inflate a balloon?

Suddenly, I was hit with a thought.

Dr. Killjoy: Old guy used PSI Rockin’ Alpha on Breadman!
Zelda407: I wonder if Breadman could comprehend his attack?

“How come it can float like that with only air inside of it?”

Dr. Killjoy: Textbook case of demonic possession. I recommend immediate exorcism.

I could have sworn that I saw the old man smirk at me! He let the balloon go back up to the end of its tether and shrugged. “Nothing in this shop is ordinary. I can make balloons float with air or stones turn into dragons if I wanted. It's all part of the business.” I wasn't sure whether to laugh or not. This old man was so weird that it was hard to tell what to do. “So, are you going to buy that?”

Zelda407: Hey! I can make balloons float to! As well as sculpting stone dragons!
Dr. Killjoy: This guy should do his bragging at a mental hospital. I’m sure they’d love to hear all about his magical balloons and his ability to turn rocks into dragons.

He indicated the bag that was still in my hands. I snapped out of my trance

Zelda407: It must be a crack house! See, it put Breadman in a trance!

and handed the bag for him to ring up. The old man obviously hadn't modernized for a while and had to resort to an old-fashioned tag search to get the price up.

“Ten dollars, please.”

I nearly went nuts at this.

Dr. Killjoy: Again, I can actually identify with the main character! I, too, am going nuts.

“Ten dollars for a clearance item?! How can you charge so much?!”

Zelda407: Breadman really IS Scrooge incarnate, but he has a point. 10 dollars for a balloon?

The old man scowled at me. “Unless you want to pay over 200 dollars when it was brand-new, I suggest that you don't argue. Ten dollars, please.”

I caught myself and shaped up. At a 95 percent discount, I really had nothing to worry about.

Dr. Killjoy: Hey, I found this pebble by the road! I was going to sell it for $10000, but for you I’ll make an exception and sell it at $100! At a 99 percent discount, you have nothing to worry about!

I coughed up a ten-spot

Dr. Killjoy: He paid ten bucks. For a balloon. Shit like this would be why he didn’t have enough money to get through college.

and carried the bag out in a larger bag. I felt like I had been given a great gift,

Dr. Killjoy: Because the best gifts are the ones you have to pay for!

but as I would soon find out, I was in for a wild experience.

Dr. Killjoy: I really don’t like the sound of that.
Zelda407: Of death! Doom! Betrayal! Love! Hardship! Action! Adventure! With a moral lesson that would almost classify it as a Disney movie! Breadman and the Gift of the Magical Balloon! Coming to a theater near you!

(The scene fades out to a black screen with the words “5 minute intermission”)

Dr. Killjoy: Huh. That wasn’t so bad.

(Dr. Killjoy stands up.)

Zelda407: At least we know it can't get too much worse...I hope.…

(Zelda407 stands up.)

Dr. Killjoy: You know it’s gotta get worse if we’re in charge of MSTing it.

(Dr. Killjoy begins to leave.)

Zelda407: Of course. *looks around* Look, if we make a hard sprint to the door, I think we can get out of here.
Dr. Killjoy: Yeah, but then we won’t get paid.
Zelda407: …Touche.
Dr. Killjoy: Come on, let’s go to the break room.

(Dr. Killjoy and Zelda407 exit the theater. Fade out.)

(Fade back in to a small, poorly lit room next to the theater with beaten-up couches on opposite sides of a coffee table and a mini-fridge in the corner. Dr. Killjoy and Zelda407 each take a couch.)

Dr. Killjoy: So, how does that old wizard even stay in business?
Zelda407: I think he has mob connections. I mean, how else does he get all the black market stuff and the explosives?
Dr. Killjoy: Maybe he just counterfeits. I mean, if he can turn bricks into dragons or whatever, creating money shouldn’t be a problem.
Zelda407: That's true. Maybe the author will go into more detail later in the story....yeah right.
Dr. Killjoy: Yeah. All the attention is gonna be on the weird-ass balloon Breadman got.
Zelda407: Poor, poor Breadman....

(A loud beep comes from the theater, signifying that the break is nearly over. Dr. Killjoy stands up.)

Dr. Killjoy: I guess we’ll find out what‘s so special about this balloon now.

(Zelda407 stands up.)

Zelda407: Why do I have a feeling that we would be better off wondering?

(They both re-enter the theater.)
___________________________________________________________________________

Okay, yeah, the first part, while not good, was actually better than most of what’s on FFNet. Of course, starting with the next update, things get progressively worse. Hopefully, though, our commentary will make it a lot more bearable for you.